me and my vomit sickwich

October 21, 2008 at 5:57 pm (Rant Rant Rant, Real World Ozark, Work)

So this “I haven’t been feeling well” business accumulated yesterday into Florence Roommate driving me to the emergency clinic.

My legs were more stiff than they’d been since I hurt them, there was puss at the back of my mouth (nommy when she caught me washing it from the dish sink), and I was hallucinating/falling asleep and having quick, weird, dreams. I remember handing her a book at one point and then looking up to see that she was in a whole other room, I was late for work, and the turkeydog I had the night before was about to make a grand reappearance.

The book was a lie. (10 internets to whoever gets that)

After more of this ‘the walls are shaking, are you going to read that damn book?’ nonsense, she drove me to the emergency clinic near where I used to go to school, and there was a little boy sitting next to us. He and his sister looked like the sort of people who are usually dirty but are clean at the moment– their clothes were too nice, but just a little frayed at the side. His cheeks were as red as the maraschino cherries I should have been stocking, and when Florence Roommate and I asked if he was okay, he pouted but nodded very  bravely. His sister looked up from Turtle and Rabbit are Friends to solemnly add “He has a cough”.

When the doctor was examining me I could hear the kid in the next room; when the nurse said “This is going to be uncomfortable, but it’ll only last for a second” I knew it was a strep test and tried to close my ears to everything but the sound of my teeth chattering and doctor lecturing about a lack of inoculations on my part. I’d had the flu for almost a week– all those germs, spreading haphazardly around, for almost an entire seven days.

“You can get the shot now or spend three days in the hospital. The shot will make you feel better,” Nurse told the little boy across the partition. My doctor had run off to get a prescription pad and note for my manager. I could hear the sister in the purple Hannah Montana poncho quietly read.

The little boy refused. He had pneumonia along with an infection that settled in his chest.

“I’ll let you and your sister look at my tattoo. Wanna look at my tattoo? It’s a pretty bird!” The nurse bribed, and I could imagine a swallow above the ankle of her Crocs. The boy folded and I could hear him let out that brave, but scared, “Uhn!” sound that kids make. If that broke your heart a little, I peeked under the plastic partition and saw the nurse take her shoe off to a gallery of prepubescent “oohs” and “ahhs” at the sight of a tattoo she probably regrets now that she’s older. At least she has a sense of humor about it.

We had to go to Retail Behemoth to give them my doctor’s note, which made me feel like I was in the principle’s office all over again. I bought a pair of jammypants while there, along with a 5-foot sickwich.

At first we wanted to call it my broodwich, for obvious reasons, but changed out minds; sickwich it remains. It’s the only thing I’m eating right now, but it’s more than I’ve been eating in about a week and I’m topping 100lb again, so woot.

It’s kinda nice to be alone in the house. I fell asleep after much tossing and turning last night; too tired to do anything, to awake to sleep. Finally I downloaded French Cafe and Serge Gainsborough ushered me on to Nod.

I miss my cat, worry about the fish, want to sleep on a real bed, and am worried about making Florence Roommate sick, but can’t go to the mother’s right now. Even though Florence Roommate has a weak immune system and is missing a kidney, there are little kids at Mom’s, and I’m not too sure yet what the lesser of the two evils are quite yet.

Drama gave me a tshirt that is the best sicky tshirt ever. Pink jammybottoms and a Jagermeister tshirt asking: ‘Got Lube?’

Seymour Roommate is still sleeping on the couch, so the TV is off-limits until then. I don’t think Florence Roommate would let me touch it with these germs anyhow, so I’m going to let sleeping boys lie. Last night I tried to wake him up, asking if he’d be more comfortable in his own bed, and apparently no, he would not, but he was so sweet and he looks so young when he’s restful like that.

I clicked off the lights, admired the plants in his room for a while, closed his bedroom door, and fell asleep listening to Bridgette Bardot.

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PICTURE DUMP.

October 17, 2008 at 6:34 pm (Boys, Cam Ho, Love, Rant Rant Rant, Work)

So I’ve been gone again.

Justice is gone, LBB’s arm was amputated at the bone and he’s adopted the kid, my hair grew back again (SHOCKINGLY), moved to the best house ever, and I have a disgusting retail job.

AND A CAMERA!

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Not-Single Mostly White Female

July 25, 2008 at 12:18 am (Boys, Emu, Family, Fucked up, Justice, Love, Rant Rant Rant)

It’s been another fun day in Casa del Here. I think someone stole my mail and there’s no word yet on The Brother’s surgery.

It’s been a weird day emotionally, I think because of that. PMS and unmedicated Bipolar Disorder. It leads to a lot of sleeping, starting the laundry then forgetting the laundry, preparing food then getting too nauseas/hot/lazy to eat it, and the acne…the acne. The horror.

Justice sent me a random text message today; short and sweet. Random short and sweet text messages are the best. I want/need to see and tend to someone today but our weeks are just so completely out of sync that we just can’t do that. It’s a bummer but that’s fine. I know he cares for me and I know that I care for him and someday we will be able to see/talk to each other more.

I’ve gotten pretty good at rationalizing the random moments of being a complete headcase, in case you haven’t noticed.

Getting an email from Texas Cuss helps quite a bit. I missed her so much it hurt.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go through the Help Wanted section again and heat up a burrito.

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It don’t take an educated head to know

July 24, 2008 at 5:43 am (Boys, Drunk, Family, Love)

Oh, hi Blog. It’s me again. Remember me? It’s the person with a growly stomach and still no job to speak of.

A lot’s happened and I guess I’m feeling too weird to really blog much. Justice loves me and I’m not so blindingly obsessed with him that I have to be in love with him too. When you think hard about it and decide that you’d leave if it turned sour you know it’s love. That’s how I decided. So yes, I’m in love with Justice and I’m in love with the idea of being with him. So that is that.

I wrote my Uncle a note and handed it to him while he was still in the casket. The church was kinda hot so he didn’t have that strange corpse-y coldness that doesn’t make you cold so much as take away your heat. It made sense because Uncle Glen never took anything from nobody when he was alive, so why would he do it after he died?

He was buried on the oil field, with an oil drill on his headstone, and that was that. An Oklahoma funeral in a nutshell.

Destinee and I made up, although I guess we never made down, or what have you. I had just assumed that she outgrew me, had the fun heartbreak you only get from being ditched by a best friend, and now we’re in our 20’s and I’m going to visit as soon as I can.

So that’s my life right now. You know about as much as I do.

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Like a Flamingo

July 18, 2008 at 1:40 am (Fiction, Writing) (, )

When you’re embalmed they fill you up with pink dye. Don’t worry, though. You don’t look like a flamingo or anything, but when they suck all the fluids and stuff out of your body you either get a fake rosy blush or look like a corpse.

My uncle told me last night that the undertaker takes out your brain and guts during the autopsy. Sometimes they get put back in all jumbled and sometimes they don’t care at all, just putting filler and putty in to make you look normal and not like you died in a car accident or anything.

I wanted to reach over and touch my mom’s chest to check if they left her intact or just crammed her full of Styrofoam or something, but my grandma started nudging at me so I just leaned forward to give her Frankenstein face a kiss and move down the line. Mom’s face was cold and I didn’t want to lick my mouth after that until I could get a drink of water but Grandma’s hand was still so tight around my arm that her rings felt like they were going to cut.

“Why do they call it a Wake if we know she’s not going to wake up?” I asked her when we sat down, and my eyes watered up when I forgot that I wasn’t going to lick my lips and licked them anyway. Grandma gave me a pinch and told me not to be disrespectful then started dabbing at her runny mascara. My mouth tasted like clay.

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OHHHH HO HO HO.

July 17, 2008 at 9:33 pm (Cam Ho)

I’m thinking of buying a hairpiece today. I’ve also been conducting some experiments and have finally made a magnanimous discovery:

THE EDISON BULB

THE EDISON BULB!

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When I was a young lad, a young lad

July 17, 2008 at 7:59 pm (Boys, Rant Rant Rant, Work)

I’ve been having this awful, horrible temptation to get Heath Ledger ala Joker tattooed somewhere but I know that taut isn’t taut forever and someday poor Heath will look like Droopy Dog. For all the whining and pitching I do about the (much less ridiculous) tattoo I have already, I do admit to wanting a hell of a lot more.

Sigh. I’ll readily admit to the stupidity of my youth. READILY.

On that subject, I had the weirdest dream. I’ll write it down, but not here, and draw it out all manga-like because it was manga in my dream for some reason. I don’t even engage in the manga, doods. Not unless it involves ittybittyboats.

I’m just in the strangest mood today. Bugged out about Uncle Glenn, mad about my brother’s impressive list of unimpressive ex-wives, frustrated with the state of my own love life, and scared that I won’t find a job. According to the day planner (RELUCTANTLY KEPT), I’ve filled out 25 applications and have gotten two callbacks. One of them I don’t think I even applied to but hell, I’ll go.

Criminy.

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Uncle Glenn and Shitting My Pants

July 17, 2008 at 2:33 am (Fucked up, Love)

Uncle Glenn died and John is to the point that he can’t control his bodily functions anymore; everyone’s talking about that for some reason and I don’t know why. It isn’t important. They keep using it as a sort of Death Clock on him, like shitting your pants is having one foot in the grave.

When they fucked with my spine they put a bag inside me so I wouldn’t shit my bed. Before my friend gave birth she got an enema so she wouldn’t shit herself. We weren’t dying.

John is most definitely dying. He is dying soon. But I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t want to be remembered as the guy who went out refusing to wear Depends.

Fucking, with this whole extended life expectancy there’s no dignity in death anymore. When I go just let me go, no diapers, no church services to silently hate other family members over, no potato salad lunches afterward, just pull a shroud over me and dump me in the ocean. Give me a pyre or let the barnacles lay claim.

Or clam. Tee-hee.

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Invisible Monsters

July 16, 2008 at 12:30 am (Aminals, Boys, Emu, Love, Rant Rant Rant)

Chuck Palahniuk wrote: ‘The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.’.

Justice and I are dating again but I’m paranoid. I sent him a drunk email whining about a past love, he sent me a drunk email whining about a past love, I sent him a sober email offering advice or rants or something, and he sent me an email telling me that he wanted to give it another go.

Justice and I were “together” for more than half a year, with “together” meaning me loving him a little and him suddenly dropping all contact with me to have a relationship with a girl who had no emotional significance to him. I went back to someone who I loved a lot but had no emotional significance to me.

He touched me the way that always turns me into a bobblehead and said he wanted independence, time to figure things out, and me.

I held him the way that makes him stay up past his bedtime and told him I wanted independence, companionship, and a better chance at things. I told him about that loving him a little but I haven’t told him about wanting to see him more. He wants me to be open and I want to be open but it’s stupid and nonproductive to be open when it will drive someone away and you know that situations can’t be changed.

He is very busy, but I feel like a lot of those things he’s busy with aren’t very important. It isn’t a big deal now but it will be later. I can feel it.

I’m not asking for every day seeing him. It would be awesome, because we used to do close to every day seeing each other, but it sounds like we won’t be able to do anything together. I am needy, fuck. That needs to stop immediately.

I’m also broke again. More important than boys or feelings, my cat had to go to the vet yesterday. He had a puncture wound that abscessed and I think it was from either a carpet tack or spider bite, but either way I cried entirely too much when they squeezed his poor foot.

I also found out that he has one testicle. So, yeah. How about that?

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The Many Perils of Penelope Pitstop

July 14, 2008 at 1:28 pm (Boys, Rant Rant Rant, Work)

I hate waiting for news. Putting the ball in other people’s court just doesn’t bode well with me and starts all sorts of drama and STRIFE! Strife doesn’t quite cut it but I’m kind of stuck on that word today, considering that Ye Olde Printer isn’t printing out my resume, which I direly need today. There is no library close by, so I very well end up showing empty-handed and with promises of emailing it to them.

Have I mentioned lately how much of a professional I am?

I am also afraid that if I get this job I’ll be stuck with the ass-wiping position. Wiping asses doesn’t bother me too much, but it still bothers me. I’m petrified of the idea of a full grown adult and the load a full grown adult can produce. In an ideal world I’ll get the job and be assigned to someone who just needs help around the house, running errands, and just someone to talk to when they need it.

But oh God, I need this job. I need something to do other than write (more than likely) illegal “fanfiction” and Google Ads. I need the insurance and more than anything, I need to get out of the house!!!

Hopefully this mess will get my mind off of the Rhawk business. I feel like if I don’t hear from him soon my head and ovaries will explode. They are a reactionary bunch.

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